Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

There they were. I knew it was coming but the sight of it all did produce a slight gasp from me. I counted them... There weren't many but I lost track around twelve. Twelve (or so) little hairs had turned loose due to chemotherapy and were lying on my pillowcase. For the first time since all this started I actually FELT like I had cancer. It was a weird feeling.

The big "C" had become real for me two months earlier at my diagnosis but something about losing my hair had made it officially official. I could actually FEEL my tumor with my fingers, so I'm not sure why the hair thing elevated things so much. Maybe it was because until then I could walk around and no one besides me would be the wiser. Until then, I could pass as any other healthy person. But now my hair was telling the tale that I WASN'T healthy. My hair, along with my body, was betraying me.

I realize how dramatic that sounds, and to be honest, I felt shocked that I felt such a way about it. I've had short hair for years and years and I really didn't think that losing my hair would affect me much. My oncologist prepared me for all the side affects of chemo (to include hair loss) and even gave me the option to use a "cool cap" that I could wear during my infusions to counteract the chemo and keep my hair. But I had chosen to forgo the cap and let the chemo do what it does. I wanted to make sure that the chemo got to ALL the places, chasing any rogue cancer cell that might be floating around, and if that meant losing my hair, so be it. 

It seemed a little crazy, then, to have trepidation about buzzing my hair when I was faced with it literally falling out before my eyes. But there I was. And mind you, I had been growing out my PIXIE CUT so it wasn't like I was losing all these long, luscious locks! As I combed through my hair, more and more strands released with each brush. I felt it would be less trouble (and somewhat less traumatic) if the rest of it just fell out from a buzz cut. Operation "Hair Today- Gone Tomorrow" soon commenced.

Chuck volunteered to play barber (since he'd have to help me with the back anyway) so we made it fun and light-hearted with jokes...AS WE DO. Armed with the Wahl clippers, and enough bravery for the both of us, he went to work. I snapped a pic making a crazy face to send to my sister after the first swipe because I felt the ridiculousness needed to be documented. Crazy face. Crazy times. Crazy hairdo.  At least we were being consistent.

After the first 30 seconds, all my reservations seemed to vanish. I have to admit it was a little thrilling to do something I would have probably never done otherwise. Plus, the top of my head felt like one of those velvet paintings I had marveled at in my childhood... BONUS!! I started thinking of all the money I'd save on hair products and time I'd save in the shower and I began to feel lighter... both physically AND emotionally.

The first person that saw me (besides Chuck) was Anna and I fully expected her to to give me a look like "Who are YOU and what have you done to my mother??" I mean, it was a drastic change and handicapped children are known for their transparency and brutal honesty. But you know what? She didn't even notice. Not then, nor in the months that followed. The hats she noticed, the head scarves she noticed, and the wigs she noticed. But my shaved head (and later my BALD head) never even got a second glance. Not even once. It was extraordinary.

It got me thinking about how God sees us. 1 Samuel 16: 7 says, "...For the Lord does not see as man sees: for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." Could we all just take minute and learn from these individuals with a heart like our creator? Because if you spend any time at all with a person with special needs, you'll realize that they are not impressed at all with a lot of things the rest of us are. Anna is not phased by what kind of designer bag you have. She doesn't know if your shoes are Gucci or from Goodwill. And apparently she doesn't give two rips about the hair on top or your head, what color it is, or how much is there.  Simple Anna... always teaching me things I've made too complex on my own. She really is so very close to God, I think.

We live our whole lives with the idea that we're bodies with a soul when in fact it's just the opposite: we are SOULS that happen to live in a body.  What would it look like if we started living our lives with an emphasis on what is infinite instead of obsessing on that which has an expiration? Would it change how we see ourselves? Would it change how we see others?

I still don't recognize myself when I glance in the mirror but then again I'm not the same person trying to blend in with all the people who appear fine on the outside and are sick on the inside. And that's a pretty profound statement to make about yourself when the implications are both literal and figurative! Cancer might have taken my hair and my breasts, but what it left me with is perspective: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."-2 Corinthians 4:18.