Holding Tight

 I'm a hugger. If you know me personally, this comes as no surprise. I've been told I give great hugs...I don't know how true of a statement that is, but I sure do love to RECEIVE a great one. Maybe it takes someone who appreciates the art of hugging to be able to bestow one. At any rate, I just can't think of anything better than a warm, snug embrace.

I think kids relate to this. Well, MOST kids. There are a few people who are born requiring 99% of the population to keep their distance and respect their personal space, but most little ones love a good squeeze. And while there are lots of happy moments where kiddos desire a full-on bear hug, it's most often NEEDED when less favorable scenarios arise: skinned knees, bad dreams, or good old fashioned cases of overwhelm. There's just something about a hug that tends to hold all things together when confronted with the unexpected or the unpleasant. Even us "non-kiddos" would agree.

Believe it or not, my most tangible experience with the Holy Spirit, the third part of the triune God, was through, well... a HUG, of sorts. Now before you stop reading, hear me out. I know how incredibly bizarre that sounds. I know that you might not even believe in God. Or maybe you have given up on the idea of Him giving a roaring rip about what happens to us down here on this third rock from the sun. But I've learned three things about God: He's real, He cares, and He makes Himself known to us in ways that are personal and that we can understand.

I'm no bible scholar or religious expert, but I know that God does not work according to our timelines or even by our standards. How do I know this? Personal experience. Many people think that aligning ourselves with our creator should keep us out of harms way or far from trouble. In my own experience, as well as observing others in the faith, nothing could be farther from the truth. More on that in another post...I know you're curious about this supernatural squeeze I referred to earlier. I just felt the need to lay the groundwork for the occurrence...

My mother was admitted to the hospital after she suffered a heart attack on October 5, 2017. She underwent a quadruple bypass on October 9th and seemed to be doing quite well until October 11th. Ugh. What a fantastically craptastic day that was. We witnessed her have another heart attack early that morning during visiting hours. They quickly rushed us from her room so they could perform lifesaving measures on her. After what seemed like forever, they got her back, but were having a hard time keeping her heart rate up. It was also discovered that she had developed internal bleeding from the chest compressions administered and that needed to be addressed in the OR. Lots of epi was given and she was finally able to go to surgery to find the bleeding and hopefully stop it. My mom coded during surgery and was unresponsive for 11 minutes. They got her back. AGAIN. She coded. AGAIN. They got her back. AGAIN. We were told she might not make it through the night. We were devastated and completely drained from the emotional rollercoaster we rode that day. Yeah. Craptastic doesn't even come close to describing it. So...is this where a terrible story turns terrific? Where is this encounter with God that you spoke of? Did He show up and pull her through? Does this story end triumphantly? Not exactly.

I had decided that evening that I was going to go to the chapel inside the hospital to fast and pray ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I was determined that I was going to pray her through! I was not ready to let my mother go and I was prepared to talk to God for hours and hours about it until he performed a miracle and made my mother well. I made it to the chapel and knelt to pray, ready to plead my case relentlessly. But as I began to pray, the most unusual feeling came over me and it was like an inaudible voice in my head said, "Go on and get up. It's done." I wanted to argue with these thoughts in my head that were not my own and I thought back, "But I'M not done! I haven't even gotten started, here!" But all that kept coming into my mind was, "It's done." Part of me wanted to believe that my prayers had been answered before I had even prayed them. Wouldn't that be a marvellous miracle?! Wouldn't that be a sure sign that God is real and that He cares for us?!?!

Isaiah 55:8 says, "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." I love the way the New Living Translation says it: "'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'" And THAT is the truth if I've ever heard it, friends. In my mind, extending my mother's life and answering my prayers for healing seemed like a good thing. GREAT, even! So WHAT, then? What was I supposed to make of things when just a bit past midnight my mother would slip away as we held her hands and all our prayers seemed to go unanswered?

 I didn't know it,  but the Holy Spirit had just been suited up to tap in. "But the COMFORTER, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your rememberance, whatsoever I have said unto you."-John 14:26. Other translations use the word HELPER instead of comforter. I needed HELP and COMFORT. I had just lost my mom. And you know what? I received both.

Something happened to me after my mother died that is hard to explain. The only way I can describe it is to say that I felt like I was being hugged, but on the inside. And I'm not talking about a tight feeling in my chest. I'm talking about the feeling of someone holding your SOUL. Tightly. The feeling of being embraced in a way that feels like it's the only thing that's holding you together. It was so SWEET. And TENDER. The way you can feel the LOVE someone has for you when they hold you close...like it's transferring from them to you. It was MAGNIFICENT and I experienced it during the most traumatic day of my life. It was real and powerful and the most tangible proof of God I've ever experienced. It was not natural...in fact I'd say it was SUPERNATURAL as I was able do all the things that needed to be done to plan a funeral HELD by the creator of the universe. I experienced the kind of help and the kind of comfort that my savior gives and it doesn't compare to ANYTHING from ANYWHERE else.

I'm not even mad at God for not answering my prayers the way I wanted Him to. Don't get me wrong. I grieved deeply for my mother and often still do. But I know that my precious mother is better than she ever was on earth and I wouldn't want to take that away from her for anything. Besides, I plan on going to where SHE is. I cannot imagine how it feels to be free from the burdens of this body and this life and to eternally REST in the Lord, but I got a glimpse of His love and tender mercy the day my mother died. He could have performed any miracle of His choosing, but He chose to hold me close to Him so that I could feel His love and peace in the midst of excruciating pain and sorrow. And I think THAT is a pretty awesome miracle in itself!

Isn't it just like our God to meet us where we are with what we know? I'm comforted that I serve a God who knows me so intimately that he knows nothing comforts me like the feeling of being held. Do I still have moments that I question why my mother had to die? Of course.  I'm only human! But trusting in God's sovereignty frees me up to acknowledge my place in His grand design. I've felt his love, so I can trust that his design is good. You can too. You might even witness a miracle in your own circumstances if you're not too busy telling God what His plans should be! May you be held BY Him and TO Him. There's no better place to be!